HELLO!

As you know one of my all-time favorite quotes comes from Erik Kolbell, a writer, psychotherapist, and retired minister, who said “when I talk to grieving families, they tell me what they appreciate the good casseroles much more than the bad theology”. Amen to that! If you are wondering what I mean, here is an example. When my father died, well meaning people would say, “It’s what he would want, it’s all for the best”. Or “God wanted him more…” Or “He is in a better place”. Maybe. And while this may apply in my father’s situation, he had just been diagnosed with dementia and lifetime of colitis had ravaged his weak body, it would be helpful to someone whose loved one had died in an accident or from cancer. Sometimes less is more, sometimes “I am praying for you” is better than attempting theology and ending up saying things making you feel better and the other feel worse. Sometimes the casserole is better.

The other thing about death and how we respond to it are the questions… When my father stopped eating the nurse at the long-term care residence told me (I was the designated caregiver, decision maker for him) that because Dad had stopped eating, he was going to die, not to say when, but it would eventually happen. Then she asked me, “We can send him to the emergency department, they will tell you why he has stopped eating, but it will not change the situation. If you need to know why, then we can find out. But it won’t change anything.” I decided it was better to leave him where he was, comfortable, in his own room, with caregivers who had come to know him. My brothers and I took turns being with him. And in a few days, we were called at 1 am, he died at 3 am. We were all there. And then…“What caused his death?” “How did he die?” “Was he sick?” I am not sure what reason someone would want to know this. And yet, whenever I am called to a hospital, sit with someone who is dying, their family surrounding them with love, those who speak to me later will ask “what did s/he die from?” I am tempted to ask, “why do you want to know?” What does it change in how we offer support and care to grieving people, to know why someone died? I never ask, I assume it is none of my business and my support for those in grief requires no such knowledge.

Just some random thoughts on how we respond to the news of someone’s death. Not sure what kind of questions you have received and how those questions landed with you. These are just my thoughts. Peace, Kevin

PS We had 28 people for our first of three faith study sessions on The Prodigal Son on Tuesday night. Very good discussion.

PPS I was invited to offer a reflection this morning on the United Churches for Dartmouth. Bethe recorded it. If you are interested, here it is: https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=1671466370716478