HELLO!

On Wednesday at 1 pm at Life Branch Church The Public Good Society of Dartmouth plans to say goodbye to me after 18 years of part-time work as a navigator in Dartmouth North and downtown Dartmouth. (My official last day is June 30.) I confess, I am not looking forward to this. While I have never turned down an opportunity to speak in front of a crowd, I am most uncomfortable with being focused upon for praise. Lucky for me the gathering is also an AGM, which means they have many details that need to be addressed. I am hoping the small part that is the “thank you”, is short and without emotion. I had assumed our funding (the work resulted from a one-year contract in 2008, that has been renewed every year since) would not survive the budget cuts the provincial government requested when the deficit hit one billion dollars. So I was not surprised by the news, I received it in a phone call on an early Wednesday morning. As much as I expected it, 18 years is a long time (one third of my life) to do one thing. It took a few days to sink in. Then I “shook myself” and sorted all the materials that would need to be returned to the Board, deleted many of the apps I accessed for years, and had everything ready for “shutdown” by day four. All that is left to do is record a voicemail, explaining the service no longer is being offered, referring clients to 211.

In a sense, I have already moved on, though I am working as hard now for my clients as I ever did in the years before I started in August 2008. I can work very hard, being fully engaged and focused on work and at the same time know things are about to change, and we ready for what comes next. I am not nostalgic. I do, however, have a very good memory (thanks mom!) and collect stories from my past that help me make sense of the present. While others collect items from the past, stay connected with people from their past, go to reunions, for me the past is the present, the stories are as fresh and relatable today as they were when they happened to me. Those “cloud of witnesses” (Hebrews 12:1) follow me, unique people, unique stories. If the past no longer speaks to the present, I pivot, if the past has something to teach me, it remains, forever.

When I left churches in Cape Breton and Fairview large celebrations were held on a weekday night. Large crowds came. What I found challenging were people coming up to me, tears in their eyes, and saying “you must be so sad”. The truth is, I was grateful, blessed and remembering what we had done together. But I was not crying, not emotive in the way others expected, some demanded. Sometimes, when emotive people tell me how they don’t want to be judged, I want to reply, “me neither”. Just because I don’t react like you, doesn’t mean I am not processing this experience or making sense of it. But because it is not like you, whether that is hugging or being sentimental, I end up being told “why aren’t you more upset?”. Since I left Fairview, I have been clear, no parties or gatherings in my name, no exceptions. I prefer to keep things “low key”.

I have so many wonderful memories of my time as a navigator, I have learned so much, been inspired by so many (clients, volunteers and agency staff) that whatever sadness I feel does not compare to my joy.

Peace, Kevin