HELLO!

A friend of mine sent this three-minute video to me yesterday. She knew I would find it funny and she knew I would find the therapist’s words, facial expressions, and his turning all questions directed at him back at his client, all too familiar. She was right. When I took courses in Pastoral Care-Counselling in seminary we were taught to say to those who visited us, “What I hear you saying is…”, and from there we would summarize what the visitor was saying. The theory behind this technique was, many people can find their way to healing, what they need is someone to help them hear their own voice. Thus in repeating back to the visitor what they are saying it allows the visitor to hear themselves speak. This runs contrary to the pastoral counsellor as problem solver or advice giver and gives the listener the opportunity to empower the visitor. Here is that funny video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMzJUfZ3lvU

What I learned early on in my pastoral care role is this question, “What I hear you saying is” sounds stilted, it does not sound like someone the visitor has come to know, rather it feels contrived. Still, the summarizing of what others are saying, giving them a chance to hear their own words, is effective, it does make a difference. I am not a certified counsellor. For those experiencing profound challenges I refer them to persons with the training and experience most likely to bring lasting healing. But most people who come to me for a pastoral care conversation are hoping their faith, the fact we have come to know one another, and my frequent availability, might lead to some insights. In these conversations I do not see myself as a problem solver or advice giver. However, I know that when I have felt challenged by circumstances what has helped me is a) having someone who will listen, b) a safe and open space, c) someone who might share some responses to challenges like mine they have heard, a variety of responses, giving me the opportunity to reflect and possibly see myself using one of these approaches in my path forward.

I also recall an article in the New York Times more than a decade ago, where the author talked about reminding ourselves of strategies we have used in the past, that proved effective. The author said many of us forget strategies we used successfully in the past, a good listener can us remember them. Again, a bias in this approach is we tend to know what works for us, and we tend to forget this. Biblical examples can help too. I remember when I served on the Education and Students Committee, when we interviewed persons who felt a call to ministry one of the first questions was, “Which Bible figure do you identify with in your call to ministry?” Biblical stories are powerful, and when we find ourselves in a challenging place, finding a Bible story that speaks to us, can us heal.

I hope this summer is offering you some enriching, healing, conversations.

Peace, Kevin

PS Kim and I had a wonderful trip to Lunenburg today. Their Farmer’s Market is held on Thursday mornings. The vendors loved my shirt.