HELLO!

When my mother died in 2004 it was both sudden and not surprising. She lived with diabetes, she had lost the feelings in her feet, she could barely see and she slept most of the day. That being said, she was 66 years old, and my father just assumed they would be together forever. My brothers and our wives were very concerned. One night, while climbing the stairs in her home, she collapsed and died. I was never told if it was a heart attack or a stroke, but the underlying cause was diabetes. I was living in Ottawa at the time, the call came around 1030 pm, it was my father, he was sobbing. Obviously, I called the airlines the next day to make plans for a flight to Halifax. But as I sat there, in my office at the manse, I thought of my mother, who she had grown to be, what she meant to me, what she meant to others. I decided, knowing her and knowing my family, it would likely be left to me to write the obituary. So from 1030 pm until 3 am the next morning, I sat in front of my computer and I wrote, and edited, and rewrote, my mother’s obituary. Again, my agenda was 1) what she would want the world to know about her, 2) what she meant to her family and friends and 3) what she meant to others. I do believe, what I wrote, could not be written about any other. It was truly “Lennie”.

I have read a lot of obituaries in my life, especially more recently as I have become the default minister, when families ask Halifax-Dartmouth funeral homes for the name of a minister to help them celebrate the lives of their loved ones. For many reasons, this remains my favorite obituary: https://tjtracey.com/tribute/details/1576 I knew Walter very well and this offering, by his children, is so honest, accurate and descriptive of the man so many of us came to know. When Ian, his son, offered his Words of Remembrance at the funeral, he called Walter’s cell phone, we all heard Walter’s familiar voice and greeting. And then Ian spoke into the phone with why he was there, why we were there, and how we remember him.

Kim often tells me that although I was always working while she and Lucian were bonding like siblings, our child (with no biological connection) has adopted many of my personality traits, like my sense of humour. Last week Lucian was going to a party with friends, the host had invited several old friends who now live in Ontario. He wanted to “roast” his friends by reading their faux obituaries to them. “Dad, if I give you a paragraph on each of these people, could you do that?” I did. Apparently, it made the room laugh out loud. I know how to write an obituary.

When I moved to the suburbs (2006) many of the families I visited shared how much time and effort they had expended to make their homes unique. And yet…moving from house to house, as I was visiting people, it dawned on me how similar each kitchen and living room was. In the same way, there are times when families write obituaries with “she was the best mom in the whole world” and “no one ever said a bad word about our dad” and “our sister would give you the shirt off her back” without being aware, these are comments made in countless other obituaries. All of us share certain qualities, there is a lot we say about our loved ones, that could be said about many others. But each of us leaves a legacy that can be described in ways that do not apply to everyone, and those specifics typically come to life in stories. A meaningful obituary offers a revealing glimpse into the heart of those we love. Peace, Kevin