HELLO!

At the end of this month my brothers and I will reflect on the one anniversary of our father’s death. Having spent many, many hours with families whose loved ones had died, at the hospital or at home, I recall leaving those spaces to return to the church I served, sharing the sad news of this experience. I would see a familiar face and say, “John has died today”. Church people are compassionate and empathetic, the initial response is always, “I am so sorry to hear this.” I know they are. I value faith communities and the healing space they offer to grieving people. Nothing brings out the best of a church like caring for someone in grief. From the reaching out with cards, emails, texts, phone calls, to planning a funeral service, to organizing a reception, the church is there.

All of this happened to me, when my father died on November 29^th. But there were three other comments that came with it, that remain a mystery to me as it relates to our responses to people in grief. 1) “How did they die?” I never ask. That shocks people, I guess because it never crosses my mind to ask or even to ponder. They are dead. Nothing changes that. I am curious about people’s ideology, theology, their favorite sports teams, what makes them happy. But I have never been curious about the circumstances of another’s illness or death. If people tell me, I listen. But my listening is about the grief, not the details that led to the death. 2) “Your father would have wanted it this way, he knew it was his time.” Maybe. Maybe not. We don’t know. I know it makes others feel better, to say these things to grieving people, but it does nothing for those in grief. In listening, it is not about us, it is about them. 3) “I know exactly how you feel.” Maybe. Maybe not. I had a friend, when my mother died, he stood beside me at the funeral home and demanded, “You should be crying, what is wrong with you?” When emotional bullying passes for empathy, we have a problem. Everyone grieves in their own way. There can be harmful ways to grieve, but not crying, because you are crying, is not one of them. None of these three comments help.

Offering people our care; “I am praying for you”, “I am thinking of you”, dropping off food, writing cards, writing texts, calling someone, I deeply appreciated this. And I know others do as well. We are all in this together.

Peace, Kevin